BREAKING: New York Overrun by Ultra-Nationalist MAGA Rats
Demands Include Full Voting Rights, Gold-Backed Cheese Standard
NEW YORK CITY — In what experts are calling “an evolutionary, political, and theological crisis all rolled into one,” swarms of rats wearing tiny red MAGA hats have seized large portions of Manhattan, declared several “autonomous rodent zones,” and begun issuing their own currency — gold-backed cheese tokens.
Eyewitnesses say the rats have organized a fully functioning parallel government, complete with tiny podiums, self-appointed spokesrats, and crude but effective media outlets broadcasting on pirated WiFi networks. Many rats are seen wearing lapel pins reading "Drain the Sewer" while others chant slogans like "No More Mousetrap Mandates!" and "Build the Wall Around the Kitchen!"
“This is no longer just an infestation,” said NYPD Chief Harold Gottlieb. “This is a populist uprising. And frankly — they’re polling better than the mayor.”
“Frankly, they love America. They love ME. Very smart rats — very loyal, very determined, just like we were in 2016. Some say even more enthusiastic. Many people are saying it.” — Donald J. Trump
THE RISE OF RATRIOTISM
Political scientists are scrambling to understand how the rodents became so ideologically mobilized. Dr. Meredith Langstrom of Columbia University blames online radicalization through unsecured iPads left in subway stations.
“These rats were exposed to a constant stream of algorithmic content: conspiracy theories about sewer fluoride, anti-cat propaganda, and deeply distorted versions of American history,” Langstrom explained. “Many now believe they are the original Founding Fathers, shrunk down by George Soros using mind control technology.”
The rats have also established their own constitutional order, known as the Squeakal Rights Movement, which demands:
Full voting rights for “all rodent Americans”
The immediate outlawing of glue traps as "war crimes"
Recognition of cheddar as the only legal tender
The release of their political prisoner, "Patriot Squeaky," who was arrested after gnawing through fiber-optic cables during a QAnon livestream.
A DIVIDED RESPONSE
While most city officials have condemned the uprising, some hardline pundits have praised the rats as “brave little patriots.”
“They work hard. They believe in family values, strong sewer systems, and the Second Cheese Amendment,” said conservative commentator Buck Hardwick. “These rats love America more than some humans I know.”
A small but growing human support movement calling itself Humans for Rat Rights (HRR) has formed, holding rallies outside City Hall, some of them dressed in full-size MAGA hats themselves.
TARIFFS, CHEESE WARS, AND ECONOMIC CHAOS
Economists warn that the rat government’s proposal to slap a 300% tariff on all imported Swiss cheese could destabilize the already fragile underground dairy markets.
"They want America First cheese," said Treasury rat "Smudgepaw," speaking from his bunker beneath Little Italy. "No more foreign holes in our cheddar!"
China has already threatened retaliatory tariffs on American peanut butter exports, which are considered a key protein source for several rat districts. The European Union has expressed concern that the emerging "Cheese War" could spiral out of control, leading to a full breakdown of international snack diplomacy.
THE HEALTH CONSEQUENCES
Meanwhile, health officials report that rat-related diseases in the five boroughs are up 152% since the outbreak began. "There are now several confirmed cases of sewer-based patriotism-related hantavirus," said Dr. Eliza Kaplan of the CDC. "We strongly advise the public not to engage in political debates with the rats."
RATS DEMAND AUDIT OF NYC ELECTIONS
Perhaps most troubling, the rats have demanded a full forensic audit of New York City’s 2020 municipal elections, claiming widespread fraud committed by “illegal pigeons and globalist squirrels.”
“These results were rigged by the deep coop,” declared Supreme Rat Elder "General Whiskers" during a broadcast on Radio Sewer America. “We’re not leaving until we get our country back.”
NEXT STEPS UNCLEAR
Governor Hochul has called for calm, while FEMA is reportedly preparing an emergency Cheese Buyback Program to de-escalate tensions. Meanwhile, the rats have announced plans to launch their own social media platform — SqueakTruth — promising “100% free speech, except for cats, bats, and the lizard elite.”
At press time, the rats were seen attempting to drag a large golden statue of Trump into a storm drain.