EXPOSÉ: The Rise of MASA — America’s Newest White Hood Ornament
By Tao Joannes, Gonzo Poet at Large
In the ever-expanding buffet of ultra-right American politics, a new dish has been plopped onto the platter: Make America Strong Again, or MASA — a group that believes the MAGA movement has simply gone too soft on child sex trafficking and not hard enough on "cultural hygiene."
Born out of what members describe as “a deep spiritual betrayal” by President Trump—who, after years of weaponizing Jeffrey Epstein’s name like it was a Atreides/Fremen killing word, abruptly stopped pressing the issue once reelected—MASA’s core grievance is simple:
“We didn’t storm the Capitol in handmade polyester body armor for this.
”
FROM MAGA TO MASA: A BREAKDOWN
MASA’s members, largely composed of ex-MAGA loyalists, former Turning Point USA interns, and men who believe they would have crushed it at Nuremberg (on the other side), say their schism began shortly after Trump’s second inauguration. The moment of disillusionment? When he publicly downplayed the Epstein files during a Rose Garden address and threatened to revoke Rosie O’Donnell’s citizenship instead of, quote, “rounding up the real sickos at Netflix.”
One MASA leader, Gunner McChrist, a 39-year-old CrossFit coach and amateur eugenicist, explained it this way:
“Look, we were willing to go along with the golden toilets, the dancing to YMCA, even Ivanka. But when Trump said ‘Epstein? Total snooze, folks’ and tried to distract us by deporting Rosie, that’s when we knew. This man’s loyalty is to the Deep State, or at least the Deep State’s catering menu.”
CHASING PURITY, LOSING THE PLOT
Unlike MAGA, which at least maintained a veneer of plausible deniability, MASA embraces full-spectrum fascism like it’s a CrossFit lifestyle brand.
They believe in Western cultural purity, the superiority of Gregorian chant over hip-hop, and mandatory Latin classes starting in kindergarten (though none of them have learned Latin, of course—too Roman Catholic).
But perhaps MASA’s most controversial initiative is its “Know Your Roll” campaign—an “outreach program” aimed at Black voters that is as offensive as it is poorly spelled.
Intended, according to MASA’s official website, to “educate urban Americans on their natural societal function,” the campaign features billboards of smiling white men in polo shirts shaking hands with visibly uncomfortable Black actors in overalls under slogans like:
“We All Have a Place — Yours is Just Further Back in Line.”
and
“Tradition. Hierarchy. Harmony.”
Critics say the campaign is little more than a grotesque minstrel redux, but MASA’s public relations chief, Laramie St. Cloud, insists it’s “a misunderstood gesture of inclusion.”
“We’re not saying they can’t be involved in our America,” she clarified. “We’re saying they can—as long as they know who’s boss. Just like the good old days. You know, 1952.”
ON PEDOPHILIA: “WE’RE NOT AGAINST IT…”
MASA’s official stance of Pedophilia is neutral adding, “Technically Epstein and his buddies are guilty of ephebophilia, if anything.”
While they claim they don’t “condone it,” many MASA members argue that the real betrayal wasn’t that Trump dismissed the Epstein files—but that he assumed they were too stupid to notice and too loyal to care.
“It’s not about the kids,” said Gunner McChrist, pausing to kiss the ring on a framed photo of Steve Bannon. “It’s about respect. We didn’t sweat through the 5th grade twice to be treated like sheep.”
When pressed further, he clarified that MASA’s official position on sex crimes is “case-by-case,” especially if the accused has “a good sense of rhythm and contributes to Western Civilization.”
IN CONCLUSION
With membership growing faster than a rash spreads in a trailer park, MASA represents the next grotesque evolution of post-Trump right-wing politics: angrier, whiter, and somehow even less coherent.
Stay tuned.
Correction: An earlier version of this article referred to MASA’s vice chair as “Jimothy Proudtoes.” His name is actually “Jimothy Proudtoes III.” We regret the error.