🕳️ The Hole: A Libertarian Fairy Tale

Fictional satire for the brave, the bootstrapped, and the utterly full of it.

May 24, 2025

What happens when a man pulls himself up by his bootstraps—and then pulls up the ladder behind him?
This is a fairy tale. It features no fairies, but plenty of holes.

If you’ve ever debated a Libertarian on Reddit, this may feel... familiar.

📜 Once Upon a Hole

Once upon a time there was a brave and resourceful Libertarian who fell down a hole.

It was deep and steep and just off the main path, so it wasn’t uncommon for travelers to find themselves in this predicament.

Luckily, the clever Libertarian noticed a rope ladder someone had left behind, tied to a tree at the top of the hole. He used it to climb out.

“This is a really handy ladder,” he thought.
“I should keep it in case I need it again sometime.”

So he untied the ladder and packed it away.

🔁 The Cycle Repeats

The next day, passing the same spot, the Libertarian heard a cry:

“Help! Help! I’ve fallen in a hole!”

Being a believer in helping others—on his own terms—he went to the edge of the hole.

“So, uh… you fell in a hole, huh?” the Libertarian asked.
“Yes, can you help?”
“Sure, I’ve been in THIS hole. I got out by being brave, clever, and resourceful. Just like you can! Look around. What can you use?”

He pulled out the rope ladder and held it up.

“See this? Found it yesterday. Got me right out.”
“A rope ladder! Throw it down!”
“Throw it…? No, no. This is MY ladder. I don’t owe you a ladder.”

📈 Bootstraps, Baby

“I just need to borrow it long enough to get out. I’ll give it right back.”
“If I let you use it, how will you ever learn? If you depend on passing strangers with ladders, you’ll never become a stranger with your own.”

The man in the hole nodded.

“Now I get it. By not helping me, you’re teaching me to be self-reliant. This is tough love. I’m growing already.”
“Exactly, friend. You’re welcome. I wish you luck.”

The man in the hole cried, clapped, and called after him:

“Thank you, Libertarian! Also do you know the local age of consent?”
“You’re welcome, comrade. It’s 14 here. The high school is THAT WAY!”

🪓 Satire Hits Different in 2025

This story isn’t about Libertarians specifically. It’s about systems that encourage you to hoard the ladder instead of share it.

It’s about compassion that’s been outsourced to ideology, about how good intentions are used to justify indifference—and how bootstraps are often hand-me-downs in disguise.

💬 Let’s Discuss

Who’s holding the ladder in your life?
Have you ever been in the hole while someone moralized from above?
Did they at least offer snacks?

👇 Drop your thoughts in the comments.