A guru told me sales was the world's oldest profession.
He said something else usually got the credit,
but first came the trade value proposition,
and that, my friends, is Sales 101.
And we use it to push pain and prosperity
through everything from corn chips to toothpaste.
These are the Ten Laws of Blood, Sugar, Sales Magick.
1) Identify the pain point and develop the need:
You’re not smiling. Are you lonely, friend?
That’s probably because your breath is so bad.
2) Present your certain solution:
You’ll never find a lover like that.
Your toothpaste is simply inefficient.
Why not try Malarkey and Charlatans,
bespoke boutique dentifrice,
guaranteed to keep your teeth as clean as any brand
and let these clowns know who’s really runnin’ the circus.
3) The package sells the product:
It has a picture of the flag and an eagle.
When you squeeze the tube,
it makes the sound of a red-wing hawk.
4) Align your offering with their identity:
Now in pink for the girls and blue for the boys,
right next to classic salty reactionary white,
in the crackerbox package,
for the folks that are terrified of change.
5) Secure recurring revenue through commitment value proposition:
Save ten percent off the box price with a lifetime subscription!
6) Reward loyalty:
Every one hundred and first box is as free and beautiful as Texas.
7) Appeal to values:
If this toothpaste were any more American, it would have diabetes.
7.b) Disclaimer:
Prolonged use of this toothpaste may cause diabetes.
Get a manufacturer’s rebate coupon for insulin in every box!
Limit one per household.
8) Appeal to guilt:
You know if George Washington had this,
he wouldn’t have had to rip the teeth
from slaves’ mouths to make his dentures.
9) Drive action through urgency and scarcity:
Act now while you still possess the will to live! Supplies limited.
10) When all else fails, threaten their children:
Friends, the forces of evil are aligned against you and the ones you love,
and while I’m not legally allowed to say we’re singlehandedly making the world safer,
can you afford to take that risk?
Every time you buy a box of America’s favorite toothpaste,
Malarkey and Charlatans—look for the Screamin’ Eagle—
you could be preventing global economic collapse.
Do you really want the fall of Western civilization on your hands?
This is not wrong