The Real History of the Pledge of Allegiance
Recently unearthed documents reveal the shocking true origins of the Pledge of Allegiance.
Everything you thought you knew about American history is a lie.
Forget the textbook stories about Baptist socialists and Cold War edits. The truth was buried—literally—behind Ben Franklin’s erotic French lithographs in the Library of Congress.
And now, thanks to Lupe the custodian, we have the full transcript of the day the Pledge of Allegiance was first introduced…
...by George Washington, riding a T-Rex, flanked by Jesus Christ.
You're welcome, America.
📜 Historical Context (Fabricated)
It turns out the Pledge wasn’t authored in 1892.
It was revealed to George Washington by an angel, during a spiritual vision quest.
We present to you now, the unredacted transcript of this momentous constitutional moment.
🗣️ Official Congressional Transcript
(Restored from steam-powered MP3, c.1777)
SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE:
“Oye, Oye, Oye. The Chair recognizes the President. Mr. President, you have the floor.”
(Historical note: President Washington enters to a drumline shredding the Amen break. All audio is drowned out by the sheer funk of it.)
🎤 Background Murmurs:
“What the fuck?”
“Is he riding an Allosaurus?”
“No, dummy, that’s a T-Rex. Allosaurii have longer arms.”
“Who’s the hippie with the sandals?”
“I don’t know, but he has the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen! And that hair! He must use Ralph Lauren.”
🦖 George Washington (astride his T-Rex, Teddy Roosevelt):
“WHOA, Teddy. WHOA. Good boy.”
“My fellow Americans, before I begin, allow me to introduce my T-Rex, Teddy Roosevelt, and my hype man, Jesus Christ.”
Jesus:
“Sup.”
George Washington:
“I know you say you love this goddamned country—”
Jesus:
“Yo, man. That ain’t cool. RISPEK.”
George:
“Sorry, Jesus. What I meant is: I just don’t believe you. You talk the talk, but do you even pledge?”
Jesus:
“SHADY MUTHAFUCKAS!”
🕊️ The Divine Origin
George:
“This pledge was revealed to me by an angel of the Lord while I was burning Jefferson’s hemp crops.”
Jesus:
“THAT DIRTY HIPPY!”
George:
“I will now read the sacred words. Recitation shall be mandatory. Refusal will result in being fed to Teddy here.”
Jesus:
“THIS LIZARD GONNA EAT YOU!”
📢 The Pledge (Original Form)
GW: “I pledge allegiance—”
Jesus: “REPRESENT, MUTHAFUCKA!”
GW: “To the flag—”
Jesus: “THE WHAT? WHICH FLAG, G?”
GW: “Of the United States of America.”
Jesus: “THAT’S RIGHT, MUTHAFUCKIN U-S-A!”
GW: “And to the Republic—”
Jesus: “I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!”
GW: “For which it stands.”
Jesus: “STAND AND MUTHAFUCKIN DELIVA!”
GW: “One nation—”
Jesus: “WHERE?”
GW: “Under the one true God of Abraham…”
Jesus: kisses crucifix “AS-SALAM ALAIKUM, POPS.”
GW: “Indivisible.”
Jesus: “THIS AIN’T NUTHIN TO FUCK WITH!”
GW: “With liberty and justice for all.”
Jesus: “WORD!
Except for women, homos, atheists, Africans, Mexicans, and commies.”
Teddy Roosevelt: “RAWR!”
[Recording ends with fireworks, wild applause, and a castrato choir singing “We Are the Champions.”]
📚 Author's Note
History is often written by the victors.
But American myth? That’s written by the absolutely unhinged.
This is a reminder that patriotic rituals are never neutral—and that every cultural tradition, from flag worship to school recitations, was at one point invented, often for reasons far stranger than we remember.
Especially if there’s a T-Rex involved.
💬 Let’s Talk
Who’s your favorite alternate history hype man?
Should we replace the morning Pledge with “We Are the Champions”?
Would George Washington ride again on Teddy the T-Rex in Fast & Furious: 1776?
Drop your answers in the comments.
Or start your own revolution.