WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a ceremony that baffled the Pentagon and delighted Juggalos nationwide, President Donald Trump has officially appointed rap duo Insane Clown Posse (ICP) to co-chair the new Special Presidential Commission on Magnets and National Security.
The announcement followed a tense week of tariff battles with China over rare earth magnets—vital for U.S. fighter jets, smartphones, and “the good golf carts,” according to Trump.
Flanked by a Faygo-soaked American flag, Trump praised ICP for asking “the single greatest science question in history.”
“Other people talk about magnets. They make textbooks, they write boring stuff. But these guys, they sang it: ‘How do they work?’ The scientists still don’t know. Believe me, I asked them. Tremendous question. Tremendous song. That’s why I’m bringing in the clowns,” Trump said.
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ICP’s Reaction: “Wait… This Is Real?”
Violent J, visibly confused, told reporters:
“I thought we was just getting, like, a gold record or some kind of MTV Lifetime Award Shit. Then I’m in a room with generals asking me about dipole fields. Bro, I failed Earth Science twice. I’m in way over my head here.”
Shaggy 2 Dope offered a more practical approach:
“Look, magnets got north, they got south. Kinda like us and China. You just flip one around ‘til it sticks. Boom. Problem solved. If that don’t work, I’ma duct tape two car batteries together and see what happens.”
Economists warn that entrusting critical supply chains to men who once hosted a backyard wrestling federation may destabilize global markets.
“Rare earth magnets are essential to U.S. defense infrastructure,” said Dr. Karen Leeds, trade specialist at Georgetown. “Handing this issue to ICP is like appointing Nickelback to run the Treasury. Just because they’ve sung about money doesn’t mean they can make fiscal policy.”
Still, some physicists were cautiously optimistic. “They may not understand the Lorentz force,” said MIT professor Dr. Aaron Feldstein, “but at least they admit it. That’s more scientific honesty than we usually get out of this administration.”
Juggalos Weigh In
Across the country, Juggalos hailed the announcement as a win for “clown representation.” “This is the first time one of us has had clearance to touch the nuclear football,” said a fan known only as Hatchet Steve. “If magnets keep planes flying, I trust Violent J more than the lizard people in the Pentagon.”
Meanwhile, the Gathering of the Juggalos announced that this year’s main stage will feature a breakout session titled “Magnets and You: Toward a Clown-Based Energy Future.”
Next Steps
The Magnet Commission’s first meeting adjourned early after ICP tried to prove polarity by sticking magnets to Mike Pence. A final report is expected next spring, though aides confirm it will likely be shelved “in the same drawer as Space Force: Wrestling Division and the file marked ‘Ivanka’s Moon Plan.’”
When asked if ICP was truly qualified to solve the nation’s rare earth crisis, Trump dismissed concerns:
“The generals don’t know, the scientists don’t know. But ICP? They have the face paint. They’re winners. America loves winners. And clowns. Very big with clowns right now.”
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