Trump mobilizes guard to Make Orlando Safe Again
"Public Safety is at stake"
In a bold and historic move, President Donald J. Trump, the Most Patriotic Man Alive™ who definitely does not have a small penis(citation mandatory), has once again proven his unmatched commitment to law, order, and tasteful street décor. Yesterday, the Commander-in-Chief deployed the Florida National Guard to Orlando in response to the shocking insurrection of local hooligans who, in broad daylight, directly impacted public safety by defacing a regulation black-and-white crosswalk with what experts are calling “the rainbow menace.”
For context, the crosswalk in question had once been painted rainbow colors to honor the victims of the tragic 2016 Pulse nightclub shooting. But under the visionary leadership of President Trump, that sentimental display was heroically replaced with a solemn black-and-white pattern—a design many agree better reflects the dignity of traffic law and the serious nature of asphalt. The desecrated patriotic stripes, which had only recently been restored to code, were once again sullied by unauthorized color this week, prompting the swift and necessary mobilization of our armed forces to restore order and promote the safety of citizens.
Boots on the Ground, Brushes in Hand
When reached for comment, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt said only, “Orlando must be liberated.”
Within hours of the President’s order, a proud battalion of America’s finest stormed the Pulse nightclub crosswalk armed with paint rollers, tactical Sherwin-Williams buckets, and the steely determination of men who know they are defending freedom. Side by side, infantry troops laid down stripe after stripe of glorious asphalt black and liberty white, ensuring that motorists—and history—would never again be confused about which nation they were in.
Local residents, ungrateful for the gift of order and in a direct threat to public safety, returned almost immediately to repaint the crosswalk in rainbow colors. These so-called “citizens” may think themselves brave, but as President Trump heroically pointed out, “When the military paints something, it stays painted. That’s how winning works.”
Naval Reinforcements for the Culture War
As of press time (please let me keep pressing time), the U.S. Navy is en route with reinforcements: crates of gold-leaf trim, marble eagles, and tasteful Corinthian columns, all designed to elevate Orlando’s streets from “woke carnival” to “Mar-a-Lago chic.” It is said that once complete, every crosswalk in America will look like the lobby of a Las Vegas casino as seen through a Turkish emperor’s fever dream—proof positive of our nation’s greatness.
Order Restored, Nation Grateful
Though some in the fake news media dare to call this a “gross misuse of military power,” those of us who cherish our lives, families, and employment contracts know better. We know that if President Trump says black-and-white crosswalks are patriotic and we need them to keep America safe, then black-and-white crosswalks are patriotic and we need them to keep America safe. Period. End of discussion. Forever.
May God bless President Trump, may God bless the National Guard, and may God forgive anyone who so much as doodles a rainbow without proper authorization.